Losing myself
by Miss-Evie
Summary: oneshot: Noah feels like he loses everyone... Puckleberry, sad in places. different to what i usually write. Puck centric.


**Disclaimer: No I don't own glee or the song.**

**Pairing: Puckleberry**

**Rating: T**

**Beta: un Betad**

**Summary; Puck feels like he's loosing everyone.**

**A/N Hey second post today, this is a little puckleberry one shot that has been bugging me for a while, hope you enjoy it.**

**xx**

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* * *

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_ Step one you say we need to talk_  
_ He walks you say sit down it's just a talk_  
_ He smiles politely back at you_  
_ You stare politely right on through_  
_ Some sort of window to your right_  
_ As he goes left and you stay right_  
_ Between the lines of fear and blame_  
_ And you begin to wonder why you came_

_ Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
_ Somewhere along in the bitterness_  
_ And I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_ Had I known how to save a life_

_ Let him know that you know best_  
_ Cause after all you do know best_  
_ Try to slip past his defense_  
_ Without granting innocence_  
_ Lay down a list of what is wrong_  
_ The things you've told him all along_  
_ And pray to God, he hears you_  
_ And pray to God, he hears you_

_ Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
_ Somewhere along in the bitterness_  
_ And I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_ Had I known how to save a life_

_ As he begins to raise his voice_  
_ You lower yours and grant him one last choice_  
_ Drive until you lose the road_  
_ Or break with the ones you've followed_  
_ He will do one of two things_  
_ He will admit to everything_  
_ Or he'll say he's just not the same_  
_ And you begin to wonder why you came_

_ Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
_ Somewhere along in the bitterness_  
_ And I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_ Had I known how to save a life_

_ Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
_ Somewhere along in the bitterness_  
_ And I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_ Had I known how to save a life_

_ How to save a life_

_ How to save a life_

_ Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
_ Somewhere along in the bitterness_  
_ And I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_ Had I known how to save a life_

_ Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend_  
_ Somewhere along in the bitterness_  
_ And I would have stayed up with you all night_  
_ Had I known how to save a life_  
_ How to save a life_

_ How to save a life _

_The fray - How to save a life_

* * *

In Noah 'Puck' Puckermans life there are not many things that are constant. There never have been really.

If you were being honest. There are even less things in his life (read as people) that are constant. Nobody ever stays with him.

They didn't always leave him physically, yes some really did, others just didn't seem to care about him after a certain point. If we had to be honest again that was the worst, seeing the disappointment in their eyes. Every single day.

But at some point everyone he cared about left. It was a undisputed, outargued fact of his life. Everybody left in the end.

It was like he was under some sort of curse... No one he loved could ever stay. Every thing he cared about seemed to run away as fast as possible in the opposite direction, as if they new that if they were too close they would end up being dead inside too.

Just like him.

Everything he touched was destroyed. He was sure of it. Because the most important people in his life left him. He destroyed them, and in return every time one left he became a little more heartbroken, until it seemed there was nothing left.

It had all started out when he was eight, that was when the chain of events begun...

* * *

When he was eight his Dad left.

When you are eight years old your Dad is the most important person in your life, no in the world.

You idolize him, and when you grow up you want to become him, 'cause no one in the world could be better than your Dad. It just was impossible. But he just left one day out of the blue (at least it seemed that way too you),

He left about a month before his little sister Abby was born.

one day to Noah and Finn he was the greatest Dad in the world (They had even made him a trophy to prove it); he had taught them to play football, basketball, baseball and soccer! He showed them how to play video games and throw a punch. He told them how to pull girls (which at this age seemed completely disgusting, because ewwww cooties!).

But the next he was a dead beat Dad. He had left a measly note, he didn't even care enough to do it face to face.

He left five fucking words for them:

_I'm sorry, I'll be back... _

Yeah, I'm sorry, I'll be back.

What a fucking joke.

Puck blamed himself, his Dad obviously left because he wasn't a good enough son.

It was his fault his Mum cried for weeks and became a single Mother who had to work double shifts at the hospital to support him and Abby.

It was his fault Abby never met her Dad.

His fault that Finn lost his stand in Dad - his was dead, his Dad died a hero, while Noah's ran away a coward.

So for the next two years every day after school Noah ran home as fast as he could, truly believing his Dad would of come home that day. He said he would, right?

He never was.

Back at home that is.

On his tenth birthday he smashed up that greatest dad trophy. He shaved his hair into a mow-hawk, not wanting the same style as his dad any more.

On his eleventh he dropped the Noah, that was the day he became 'Puck'.

By his twelfth not many people remembered Noah, he was buried so deep inside Puck you barely saw it. Hardly anyone accentually remembered his name. Those who did, most of them didn't dare use it.

His eyes were the only thing that gave him away, deep down inside them you could still see the hurt and confused eight year old boy who thought it was his fault his Dad had abandoned him.

One Day he met a little girl, it was five years after his Dad's left. For some reason he could talk to her, tell her the truth. When he had told her his Dad had left she hugged him and told him that he could share hers.

He is still to take her up on that offer, but every time he sees her now he knows some one is willing to listen to him still.

To tell him it wasn't his fault.

To lo-

No she couldn't, not the last one at least.

* * *

The next person who left was Santana Lopez.

It may surprise you to know but before they dated San or the 'she devil' and Puck used to be pretty good friends.

They saw so much of themselves in each other, this made it impossible that they wouldn't not like each other.

She was his best female friend so it only felt right when he lost their virginities to each other.

She was his first kiss.

His first girl friend.

His first crush.

His first girlfriend.

His first break up.

His first make up.

His first re-break up...

Well you get the picture.

So even when they weren't dating they were pretty close.

But like he said before, they were both pretty similar.

They were both hot, well more than 'just' hot but let's call it that anyway.

They were both badasses (yes that is so a word).

They were both popular.

Both bullies.

Both whores/man whores.

Both hot tempered.

And so on.

So really they should of been pretty perfect for each other, it was freaky how similar their smirks were. But the great downfall to this is that they also likes the same girls.

Yes Santana Lopez left him for Brittany S. Peirce another of his ex girlfriends.

The annoying thing is that they broke up two weeks later 'cause apparently dating your best friend doesn't work because you then haven't got anyone to tell about the date.

Go figure.

Yes, it does confuse him to. the ironic thing?

Santana used his credit score as a escuse to break up with him. Matt Rutherfords is even worse...

But she was there, she shot him a small smile and it was okay again.

* * *

The next person after that is his sister, Abby Puckerman.

This surprised him even more than the last two. He had always had a pretty good relationship with his little sister. So what if he was a little bit over protective? It was sure to be in his nature right? God damn it, it was his RIGHT to be over protective after his dick of a Dad.

One day when they were at the temple he heard the dreaded words leave her mouth. The words that no guy wants to hear coming out of his little (or big) sisters (or brothers) mouth.

"Oh and at school the other day, I met this boy and he was super cute, even though he had cooties..." Abby Puckerman babbled on at a hundred miles per hour, not realising what she said stopped her big brothers heart.

"And then he asked me too be his girl, what does that mean Noah? Anyways I said yes and then we got married..." Abby continued on at super speed.

"No," Puck sharply interrupted, not only a boyfriend, but the dreaded fake marriage!

God, he still remembers his TERRIBLE fake marriage, a little under ten years ago! The worst (read best) decision of his life...

He remembers when she ate her haribo ring (the way to show you were divorced) because he had tried to kiss her and had his heartbroken (*cough* still was *cough*)...

Anyway there is NO WAY his little sister is getting fake married! It just breaks peoples hearts!

"No what?" His sister snaps back pouting, with her hands on her hips. God she looks adorably like Rac-

No he did not just think that!

"No way are you doing this, no way are you dating him! He's a Karfosky, Abby! Fake marriage, read my lips... N-O-T A C-H-A-N-C-E M-A-T-E!" Puck retorted holding his (admittedly weak) ground.

At this Abby's eyes darkened a scary and she yelled (drawing a considerable amount of attention to them)...

"NOAH ELI PUCKERMAN, YOU, ARE, NOT, MY, DAD!" Before running into the arms of the nearest person she knew, who just so happened to be her, just his luck right?

It was that moment that Puck realised Abby would rather have a dead beat Dad than a brother who would do anything for her.

* * *

The next important person to leave him was Finn.

Finn was a brother to Puck in every sense of the word. He knew friends came and went, but he also knew there were a special few you should cling on too. And you should never let go of your brothers.

Finn should of been one of these select few. When they were old they should be racing around in their wheelchairs, and picking up widows together, you know?

They had always shared everything; his Dad, sister, first day at school, first football match...

Well you get the picture!

He was one of the only ones who showed he could remember Noah, and not just Puck. This was why Finn could seemingly forgive him for everything, there was a lot to forgive for.

And he was forgiven for everything. Well almost everything.

He couldn't forgive Puck for sleeping with Quinn.

Noah-no-Puck, he was definitely being Puck not Noah. Had done it, this had been the final straw for Finn when he got Quinn pregnant and let him believe the baby was his.

Despite what it seems Finn really loves, no loved Quinn.

Finn couldn't look him in the eyes any more, and what hurt the most was this was his fault, and he knew it. Boy did he know it.

He turned to the other who remembered Noah. She gave him a sad smile, but told him it was time he grew up.

* * *

Then his Mum left as well, okay his Mum never really left him as such but she stopped believing in him.

The irony of the fact glees signature song was don't stop belevin' wasn't lost on him, damn Finn and his 80's rock.

To be fair he had put the poor woman through a lot. He knows that. But he thought Mum's were meant to love their children unconditionally, no matter what. Apparently that was only true to a certain extent.

He knew he was pushing it when he brought a pregnant Quinn home, but he couldn't leave his baby mama to live out on the streets, could he now? Deborah welcomed Quinn with a hug, then told Noah to find somewhere else to live for a couple of days, she couldn't stand to look at him right now, that he was just like his Dad.

That night she sneaked him through her window so her parents, who hated him wouldn't know he's there.

If she told you he'd deny it, he's a badass (have you seen his guns?), and badasses don't cry.

* * *

Beth. Beth was the best and the worst thing that had ever happened to him.

But no matter what he could never regret her. She lost him a lot of people and cost him a lot, but man was she worth it!

She was one of his worst disc ions (what ever the fuck propelled him to sleeping with his best friends girl he will never know) but also the thing that made him realise he needed to sort himself out.

He tried,

he really did.

He tried to have a relationship with Quinn.

It didn't work.

He tried to get a steady job.

No one would employ him.'

He tried.

But nothing worked.

He couldn't prove to Quinn he was fit to be a Dad no matter what he did. She wanted someone else to be the Dad, and he didn't blame her. Hell he couldn't prove to himself he was fit to be a father.

Beth was the hardest to let go of in every single way. He loved that little girl with everything he had, even though that obviously wasn't enough.

Even though he didn't know her yet.

Even though he never would.

He would never know her...

Maybe that was just the problem, he didn't even have the possibility of knowing her, his daughter.

She would grow up calling some one else Daddy.

Some one else would kiss her grazed knees and chase off boys.

Some one else would see her first steps and words.

She would talk to some one else about her problems and some on else would sing her to sleep.

some other random lucky man will happily play princess games with her and one day walk her down the isle.

Not him.

He really hated that. He knew it was the right thing to do, but it hurt his heart...

It hurt his heart so damn much.

He held his little girl once, and she took part of his heart when he handed her to her new and shiny parents.

This time he didn't even wait till he was in private before he started crying, he didn't care that he was meant to be a badass...

His Mum was right, he was just like his Dad.

But once again she was there, holding him while he sobbed for his lost little girl.

* * *

Quinn, Quinn was never his really. She always was and always would be Finn's.

He just borrowed her for awhile.

She always regretted it, her perfect life turned to a joke, and was full of if onlys.

If only the baby was Finn's.

If only they had used a condom.

If only she's never had sex with Puck.

If only she had never drunk them wine coolers.

If only Finn had been at the party.

And so on.

When Beth was born Quinn asked if he loved her, he lied.

He loved her for having his baby.

But he didn't actually love her, just the idea of her.

He wanted what wasn't allowed, when he had her. Well it just wasn't like it was meant to be.

From a distance she looked like the best thing going, up close she just wasn't for him.

So when they they went back to school and she pretended like none of this had all happened.

Pressed the delete button on her memory, it didn't hurt to bad.

To be honest being near her hurt more, she reminded him of Beth to much.

Seeing her and Finn back together, he just had to briefly grip the girl he should be with hands to make him feel better.

* * *

Mr Shue was actually a bit of a sore spot for Puck.

In glee there was two boys with out Dad's, him and Finn.

Mr Shue really took Finn under his wing, although he already had a kind of Dad in Burt Hummel.

Yeah they both went through 'loosing' babies, but they didn't have to hand theirs over to her new parents.

In a way they had all lost Beth;

Finn had been told she was his 'Drizzle' by Quinn.

Shue had thought he was her because Quinn let Terri tell him that.

Puck just all out lost her.

So shouldn't he be allowed in on this original band of brothers too? Well obviously not.

So when Puck was shunned again in glee, she offered to partner him, it was the first public move of friendship.

* * *

Rachel.

Rachel Berry.

Rachel Barbara Berry.

She was the one who had always been there. Every time he lost some one.

She was also the one that got him them all back.

She made him, Finn and Quinn all sit down together and talk it all out. She said if Finn could forgive Quinn why couldn't forgive him? She told him Quinn shouldn't be allowed to delete Beth out of her life, it wasn't right.

To Beth he became Uncle Noah. Apparently the woman who had adopted her was Rachel's mum.

Two weeks after sectionals her Mum had approached her, telling her she had made the wrong choice in letting Rachel go. She wanted both her daughters to know each other.

Because of this Puck saw Beth at least once a week.

For this he was eternally grateful.

She found his Dad's grave, she found the letter that had once been posted to him. He hadn't been able to read it, she made him...

_Noah_

_My son, please do not hate me for what I have done. Today is your tenth birthday, happy birthday son. _

_You must be wondering why I left right?_

_I was scared Noah, I can never forgive myself for what I did to you. This wasn't the life I wanted for you, for your Mum, for your sister._

_I couldn't get a job in Lima, not one that would pay the bills. So I left sobered up and joined the navy. I send all the money I can to your mum._

_I just want you to know it's not your fault, your a stronger man than me Noah, I love you never doubt that._

_I will come back Noah._

_Dad_

Two weeks after he had sent that letter, he had died stepping in front of a friend and taking a bullet.

His Dad died a hero too.

He could remember the good times with him now.

Abby gravitated back towards him rather naturally, but once again Rachel made it happen.

She told him to sing to her, it worked.

Rachel confronted Shue about shunning Noah. He apologised and said he hadn't been doing it purposely.

Santana and Rachel became good friends, much to everyones confusion.

Through Rachel they got to know each other again and wondered why they ever fell out.

But they were only ever friends.

* * *

When Noah introduced Rachel to Deborah Puckerman as his girlfriend she almost had a aneurysm. Promptly asking Rachel what she was doing with a loser like her son.

Before pulling them both into a enormous hug and squealing in their ears.

That night when Noah dropped her home, he lent in. Brushing his lips softly across hers he murmurs "Don't ever leave me?"

To which she replies "Why would I want to?"

* * *

_Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they're not shining_  
_ Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying _  
_ She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day_

_ Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me_  
_ And it's so, it's so, sad to think that she don't see what I see_  
_ But every time she asks me do I look ok, I say_

_ When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change_  
_ Cause you're amazing, just the way you are_  
_ And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while_  
_ Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are(yeah)_

_ Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she let me_  
_ Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy_  
_ She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day_

_ Oh, you know, you know, you know, I'd never ask you to change_  
_ If perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same_  
_ So, don't even bother asking if you look ok_  
_ You know I'll say_

_ When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change_  
_ Cause you're amazing, just the way you are_  
_ And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while_  
_ Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are_  
_ The way you are, the way you are_  
_.com/just_the_way_you_are_lyrics_bruno__  
_ Girl you're amazing, just the way you are_

_ When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change_  
_ Cause you're amazing, just the way you are_  
_ And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while_  
_ Cause girl you're amazing, just the way you are. Yeah_

_Bruno Mars - Just the way you are_

_

* * *

_**A/N2: please tell me what you think, and read my other fics, All Change and Diva, no I'm a star!**

**Love, hugs and kisses**

**Evie xx**_  
_


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